Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Exploding Penis episode

Warning: This story is not for the faint of heart. If you get dizzy when you read graphic descriptions of blood gushing out of a person's body, I suggest you do not read this story.

And it is with mixed feelings, and with the disclaimer above, that I begin this strange story. And just so you have some background info: It is a strange time in my life, a time when I dated the weirdest women from OKCupid, POF, etc. (More on that in separate stories to come).

I was dating a Chinese lady, who was very much into me. It was somewhat exciting to date an Asian, as I have always heard interesting stories about Asian women, and she was different in every way (compared to the women I dated in the past). For the purpose of this story, we shall call her "Lee".

Lee was indeed a sweet woman. She was smart, educated, wife material and all that. But alas it was not meant to be - I did not feel the dynamics between us were going well. To make things worse, I was not even falling in love with her, and it was clear to me that over time the relationship would deteriorate and hit a rocky bottom, to the point of ending with a terrible explosion of negative emotions and screaming with tears in her eyes. But we did have some fun while it lasted, so consider this story an obituary of sorts to that dead relationship.

First contact (sex)

We're riding a cab on the streets of New York. My friend from London is visiting on business and I decide to take him to a bar so he can maybe meet some local lady. He takes the front seat next to the cabbie, while me and Lee sit at the back. For an Asian woman, she has pretty nice tits, and full, lush lips. We kiss and I immediately get a raging erection. I decide to make Lee aware of this fact, so I guide her hand to grab my penis, and I notice how small her hand is. Suddenly she looks like she's seen a ghost; she whispers into my ear "My god you are so big!" with a tone of horror in her voice. I should have known back then that this was a bad sign for things to come, but I was naive and took it as a compliment. For the record, I definitely do not consider myself "big".

The Bar was a bit Meh, and despite being joined by more friends at the bar, it wasn't very happening on account of it being a Sunday evening. We end up going to my friend's hotel room, and instead of me and Lee going back home (which was 1 hour away), we decide to stay with my friend in Manhattan. We take the living room, and while he sleeps peacefully in the bedroom we start making out on the sofa. Lee is shy so we turn off the lights and get naked. The thought of getting naked while my friend was in the bedroom was exciting for her and she was extremely wet and ready for business. I slip on a rubber and hold her in a doggy position and play with her a bit before entering, and that's when I discover what can only be described as the world's smallest vagina. Despite her being very wet and slippery, it felt extremely tight! She was trying very hard not to scream in pain, and I was trying to be as gentle as possible given the circumstances (trying not to wake my friend!). She orgasms in less than a minute, and I decide to finish outside so as not to disfigure her tiny vagina as I climax. Time spent in her vagina: 20 seconds. Kinda disappointing, but I cum inside the condom and we call it a night.

Second contact

This happens a few days after my friend from London leaves New York. With a bit more time on our hands, me and Lee decide to meet again. This time at my brother's place. He was out of the country, and this meant we have the place to ourselves where we can be naughty.

I try to take it slow but she is too excited and is naked within 5 minutes on the bed, and gets dripping wet before I even touch her. She tells me how she never orgasmed from intercourse before. I think it's weird, but I do not comment about it. The lights are off of course (she is still shy), and she practically begs me to fuck her there and then, just like in the hotel a few days earlier.

I slip on a rubber again, and go even gentler this time. She is still very, very tight, almost to the point where it's painful for me to enter her vagina, and that's with me being only half way in. But she likes it very much. I ask her to relax her vagina a bit, she does and it becomes only slightly larger and still very very tight. She starts to move back and forth on my penis. I take it as a sign that she likes it, so I start really going for it - the more I fuck her the wilder she moans and groans with screams of pleasure. A couple of minutes into it and I am starting to finally enjoy it. Except she is so high in her pleasure cloud that she orgasms with wild convulsions, but since it was pitch dark I didn't see her move and I kept drilling, except because of her sudden movements, and because of how her tiny vagina was holding my penis so tightly, my penis twisted in unnatural ways! There's a short sharp burst of pain and she stops moving immediately.

Suddenly I feel this warm feeling in the condom. It feels like I'm peeing inside her. I pull out immediately and ask her to turn on the lights. To my horror, it is not urine. It's extremely dark, thick blood and it keeps coming out, filling the condom.

My initial instinct is to hold the condom on my penis so the blood doesn't gush out onto the bed. It doesn't work, blood gushes out from the sides of the condom, onto me and onto the bed, in large quantities. I run to the bathroom, leaving a trail of thick blood behind me. I need to open the bedroom door, so I let go of the condom with my right hand, holding it only with the left hand, and even more blood comes gushing out. The bedroom door handle, and the door itself (which was white before) became dark red. It looked surreal, worse than a slaughter house. I continue to leave a large, slippery trail of blood all the way to the bathroom. I remove the condom, throw it into the sink, and stand above the toilet. I am peeing blood into the toilet! Blood!

I thought maybe I am bleeding from my bladder? What could this possibly be?! And where is all this blood coming from? Is my body emptying all its blood through my penis?! Am I going to die? I am going to die! I'm a dead man. That's it. Goodbye world.

Lee called an ambulance, and they arrived within 3 minutes. In the mean time, I finished peeing all the blood I had, until it became a slow drip, and I went back to the bedroom and put on my heavily soiled PJ pants. Feeling faint, I decided I will at least die comfortably on the bed, lying down. Lee tells me I look extremely white (gee I wonder why), and that the nurses are coming up in a minute. As I wait for the nurses to come upstairs, I say my last goodbyes to this cruel world, and prepare to faint into my death. But it doesn't happen...

Two male nurses come upstairs, ask me if I can walk, I say that I think I can, and they start to accompany me to the ambulance, holding me from each side like I was some Private Ryan. They ask me questions, and I am hoping that this is something they have seen before, or at least heard about. But that is not the case. They have never even heard about anything like this happening, and were horrified and worried. They check me out and tell me I lost a LOT of blood (no, really?) and put an IV in me to replenish my fluids. All this is happening while the driver takes us to the nearest hospital.

The Emergency Room

We get to the hospital in literally 2 minutes, and I am carted and left to wait for a doctor at the ER. Lee came with me, and even though her tiny vagina was the reason for all this trouble, I was thankful that she had good values enough to accompany me to hospital to make sure I am well taken care of.

Half an hour passes until a doctor comes and starts asking me questions. The ER is full of people moaning in pain, and as I was not in pain myself I did not feel entitled to urgent care, so I didn't mind waiting and I wasn't being pushy. I finally see a doctor and answer some questions. The resident doctor tells me he never saw or heard of anything like this happening, but clearly, he says, I need a Urologist and one will be with me soon.

Half an hour later, a female urologist comes along and I am hoping for a better diagnosis of the situation. She touches my penis here and there, ouch ouch, asks questions, and finally admits she doesn't know what the hell is going on. She decides to x-ray me to try and see what's going on inside my penis.

A painful x-ray later...

Another half hour passes while I wait my line for the x-ray machine. Finally I get taken there, and the Urologist shows up with the radio technician. She explains that she is going to have to fill my penis with iodine in order to see the urethra clearly in the x-ray, and that by the way, it might sting. The radio technician is this big man, but he cringes with this face that says "dude, I would NOT want to be in your place right now". But I'm like, sure Doctor, whatever needs to be done Doctor, go for it, I'm ready. She sticks the tip of a syringe into my penis and pumps iodine into my penis like it was a party balloon. It hurts SO bad in my penis and all over my entire body, that I writhe and convulse in uncontrollable spasms of pain, and while I decide I'm not going to scream like a baby, I still release an uncontrollable animalistic grunt that tells the doctor I'm in extreme pain. She sees my pain and she shouts in horror "I'm sorry, i'm sorry! but I'm not done! and I have to do this or we won't see anything! I'm really sorry!". But I'm a strong guy, and she is allowed to finish injecting the iodine. Several x-rays were taken, and I was finally hauled out of there, and taken back to the ER where I waited for the results.

A painful MRI later...

Another hour passes. I'm running scenarios in my head. I will probably remain impotent for the rest of my life. A nurse came and replaced the depleted bag of fluid with a fresh one. With all this fluid going into my body, I will have to pee. Just the thought of having to pee was painful. And with the thought, came the urge. I told Lee that I need to pee, and she accompanied me to the bathroom. I stand there, expecting the worst. The pain won't let me pee at first, but I decide that if I managed not to get a heart attack from the iodine insertion, I can probably withstand peeing. I relax my bladder and the first few drops of urine are accompanied with blood, or iodine, or both. But after the first few drops, it's good old clear white urine. Good, I guess the bleeding has stopped!

I go back to bed, and just as I lay on my back, the female urologist comes, accompanied by another male urologist. Both seem baffled, and disappointed with the x-ray results, which apparently were inconclusive (in other words, they couldn't see shit in the x-ray). They decide the next step is to have an MRI of my penis taken. I ask them, what could the outcome be? The male urologist looks at me gravely and says that depending on the results of the MRI, I may require surgery, but that it's too early to tell for sure.

I play scenarios again in my head. Surgery?! I'm royally fucked... While I run horror scenarios in my head, some 10 minutes pass and I am hauled to another floor, to the MRI machine. This time it's another radiologist, and there are no doctors involved. Just as I start to thank my gods that there's not going to be any iodine insertion, the radiologist tells me he is going to have to insert radio isotopes into my penis to improve visibility of my urethra in the MRI. Fuck!!! But sure, go ahead. He inserts a syringe again, this time the liquid is a clear fluid. And thankfully, this time it does not hurt as much. I lay on the MRI machine tray, waiting for it to swallow me. It buzzes and whirrs loudly as I'm mechanically inserted like a cd-rom into a DVD player. Finally it's over, and I am hauled back to the ER where I wait my results.

Good news, and Bad news

This time it takes them an hour and a half to come back to me. The male urologist who replaced the female urologist (I was there for so long they switched shifts).

He tells me: I have good news, and I have bad news. Which one do you want to hear about first. I tell him to give me the bad news first. He tells me the bad news is that I will have to have a catheter in me for a couple of weeks. The good news is that I probably don't need surgery, and that I will probably recover and have a healthy penis.

At this point, I feel like screaming Hallelujah! I felt like I have been re-given my penis. And it was good to have one again after having mentally lost my penis to impotence or surgery. A simple catheter was not going to dampen my mood! I smiled jovially as the doctor painfully inserted the catheter into my penis, poking the inside of my blader with the end of the tube.

Without further a do, I get released home, with a referral to see another Urologist in 2 weeks to evaluate my situation and remove the catheter. We leave the hospital, it's almost 11am of the next day. I'm in my white, and very bloody PJ pants, and a white and also very bloody shirt. I look like a walking murder scene. We get a taxi and go home, and I fall asleep, tired from the adventure of a lifetime.

"After Party" cleanup

Coming back home to the bloody mess was a re-awakening of the horror of the night before. Suddenly I understood what it was like to clean blood from a murder scene. Suddenly I could identify with the Sporanos, bending over rugs, slowly cleaning the blood of their victims, soaking it in sponges, and realeasing bloody water into the bucket. It was a MESS.

It took me hours to clean the blood, but thankfully the bed was well covered with a thick duvet and another thinner duvet, both of which I stuck into the neighborhood laundromat, along with my bloody PJ's. They all came out spanking clean and smelling of sweet lavender.

The bathroom was another story. There were dry blood splotches everywhere, somehow even behind the toilet bowl. It took me a good hour to clean just the bathroom from all the blood.

Final verdict: A healthy penis!

Lee went home that morning, to clean herself up and change into fresh clothing. But she promised to be back, so she can cook for me while I lay in bed, resting and recovering.

And she came back, like she promised, shortly after I finished cleaning up everything. She cooked for me, and we rested together in bed. I guess she decided to check if I became impotent by caressing my poor member. So help me Spaghetti Monster, there was something very sexy about her small hands and eagerness to touch my penis, that I got erect. Getting erect with a catheter in your dick is a weird experience. It was a bit painful at first, because the tube gets a bit dry at the tip of the penis. As the penis becomes more and more erect, it looks like a weird monster swallowing a red candy tube.

The larger it became, the wider the smile on Lee's face. This small, horny Chinese woman wanted more. And the fact I had a catheter in me did not seem to deter her! She started riding me, going all crazy with my penis. At some point, I couldn't help it anymore and I flipped her on the bed, and took her missionary style. The catheter tube folded back as I slowly inserted the tip of my penis inside her.

It was a crazy thing to do, but I was just so happy that I can still get erect, I didn't care about anything anymore.

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