This is a story about my Anus. It happened to me while me and my wife were vacationing in Hawaii. It is a funny, scary story, with a good ending. However like any good story, it only gets better when you complicate it with some weird chemical elements, frantic internet searches for misdiagnosed medical conditions, and lots of sitting on the toilet.
The faithful evening
Maui, Hawaii. It was a nice day full of beautiful views, clear blue ocean waters, excellent weather, and a generally awesome atmosphere. We're hungry. Very hungry in fact, and we decide to find a place to eat as soon as possible.
We don't want something fancy or complex, so we drive to this area we read about that's supposed to have restaurants and be more lively than usual, perhaps with interesting pubs and bars. We arrive at the complex, and spot a bar that offers drinks and $1 tacos. Sounds good, so we decide to give it a try, and park our car behind the bar right next to an adult store. As we walk out of the car and eye the adult store, we feel a bit naughty and decide to check it out after we're done at the bar.
So we get to the bar, there's a pretty good atmosphere going. It has a pool table, horrible MTV music playing, and waitresses that look like they were brought through a time vortex straight from the 80's. But hey, they do have $1 tacos! So we sit down at their balcony, overlooking the beautiful beach, and order some beer and of course also a hefty amount of their Fish tacos (the waitress warmly recommended them). They indeed turn out to be extremely tasty, and we pretty much devour them like it's the first real food we've had in a week.
It felt like the place was going to become more lively, with party people steadily trickling through the entrance and filling the place. Normally I'd stick around, but we didn't feel up to it; it was a long day after all, and all we wanted was to rest our bodies on a soft bed. We pay, and leave the bar towards the car, but seeing the adult store we remembered our initial sultry intentions and decided to hop in for a visit. Unfortunately, it didn't have too much to offer for the temporary visitor, and we didn't want to buy something we would be embarrassed to show if our friendly TSA agents suddenly wanted to inspect our suitcases at the airport gate.
So we decide to go for something simple: A bunch of small lube packs (kinda like ketchup packs at McDonalds), and an intriguing small bag of pills that modify the taste of sperm to make it tasty (called Yummy Cummy!). We check the contents of the pills, and find that it's all made of natural ingredients such as cinnamon, and other plant based spices and minerals. Sounds pretty harmless, and the promise of my lady suddenly licking my sperm as if it was chocolate pudding, sealed the deal for me :-)
Satisfied with the beer, tacos, and the adult stuff we bought, and with the generally awesome day overall, we drive home, take a shower together, and relax a bit in our beautiful guest house. I then swallow a Yummy Cummy pill, and both feeling kinda horny we have wild rabbit sex, before falling into a sweet, well deserved sleep.
Suddenly, 3AM - Nature calls!
I wake up around 3AM with this weird feeling like I'm about to shit my pants. I initially think it's probably just some gas so I try to fart it away. I lift the blanket slightly to allow it to escape, and slowly relax my sphincter. But to my horror, instead of the usual warm silent fart, I feel a warm liquid escaping my anus! I get out of the bed in panic, and run to the bathroom, expecting the worse explosive diarrhea imaginable. A few microseconds after I manage to sit my bottom down on the toilet seat, the warm liquid starts gushing out of my ass, dropping almost like piss into the toilet bowl. Much to my surprise, it was all 100% liquid. But much to my surprise, it actually smelled kinda nice! What happened to the horrible stench of diarrhea that I'm used to, I ask myself?
Things get even weirder when I wipe and get up: I notice the fluid is this clear, orange colored oily substance, floating on the surface of the water, almost like olive oil floating in a pot of boiling water. The fact that it smelled good made me realize it must have been those pills. Maybe my stomach had a violent reaction to the powder within those capsules, and it made me poop this oil? But something didn't make sense - where were the solids? I ate quite a few tacos after all - where did they go?
I decided to look it up online. Big mistake. Google brought me some pretty scary results at first, with one of them indicating that I had a shot liver - since my liver was shit, it explained, no bile was produced, and I would probably die within an hour or two. I started to panic, so I woke up my wife who is a doctor. I told her the symptoms, and what I found on the internet, but she told me it's probably nothing, and there's probably nothing wrong with my liver. At that point I'm scared, tired, and decide to clean up and get some sleep. I take a quick shower and hop back into our bed, falling into a troubled sleep.
Some more oil in the morning
I wake up in the morning, take my wife to her medical conference, and get back to the house as soon as possible. The moment I get to the house, I feel an urge to poop again. I run to the bathroom, and produce a few more drops of that weird orange oil. It still smells pretty good, and I'm completely baffled. I continue to research online, but as I was rested, I managed to come up with a better search strategy, and I immediately hit the jackpot. I found a blog post from a guy who had a similar experience. Not only does the guy answer my questions, but he wrote about it in a very funny way. In his case, it was his non-doctor wife who told him his liver was shot and he would die in an hour.
Suddenly, I feel kinda lucky to have taken the Yummy Cummy pills, because ladies & gentlemen, there IS something worse than shitting orange oil out of your ass: shitting very smelly orange oil out of your ass. As luck would have it, the pills seem to have modified the smell of my shit as well, and it came out smelling like ancient perfume.
Some more searches brought up this piece on the same subject (with a more detailed explanation about the fish and why it causes you to poop oil), sealing the deal for me and making me feel infinitely more relaxed about the whole thing. Suddenly I felt much better, physically and mentally. And what do I do when I feel great? I do the laundry! I take my soiled underwear and stick it in the wash, feeling like I've been given a second chance to life.
Conclusion
So I had a bit more oil come out of me, but every time I went , it became less and less until 3 days later it was gone entirely. I learned my lesson: not to eat Escolar, or "Hawaiian Walu" fish (AKA King Tuna, or Butterfish, beware!), unless it's a tiny bite size. I also learned that the bile my body produces is not able to process Wax.
Fortunately, the symptoms did not stop me from enjoying Hawaii, and we had an awesome vacation full of fun adventures.
