Dating: The retarded woman from New Jersey

Background Story

This was one of my first dates since arriving in New York. At the time I was looking for Jewish women exclusively. My philosophy was to be on as many dating sites as possible. Cast a wide net, so to speak.

I found this date on POF (Plenty Of Fish), where I also found another horrible date (subject to another post).

It started pretty standard, even though she sounded a bit weird. I couldn't put my finger on it, but you know how it is when you just start talking to a new person - you're nervous and excited and hopeful, and you tend not to notice some warning signs.

She was living by herself and had a job at an accounting firm, which normally means a person has his shit together, and I took it as a good sign. She lived in some crap town in New Jersey, so I decided to stay with my sister in Princeton, and use her car to get to my date. I traveled to my sister and set a date with the lady.

First Date

We meet in a Starbucks and it doesn't take long for me to notice that she's somewhat retarded. On the other hand she had some redeeming aspects (ok, she had large tits, there, I said it). I try to be nonjudgmental as much as possible, but what do I exactly mean when I say "retarded"? She was just plain stupid, and in a noticeable way. It wasn't just the blank gaze in her eyes, the intonations and slow speed of her speech, the poor vocabulary and improper structuring of sentences, but also a terrible lack of knowledge or interests in anything... interesting. Let's put it this way: She did not possess the required level of intelligence to become a potential long term partner for me. I really hate to admit this even to myself, but I've never had a more dull conversation partner in my life. I swear even a 5 year old would be able to hold a more interesting conversation.

To make things worse, a few things she said worried me - She told me she had a pretty bad relationship with her parents. Turns out she was kicked out of their house at some point. Also, turns out that her father thinks she's stupid (duh), but also told her that openly in front of others, repeatedly. I felt sorry for her. Even if you're stupid, you don't deserve to be shamed in front of others. It is also a core Jewish value not to shame someone in public, and it told me a lot about the kind of deteriorated values in her family. I had many theories about the dynamics in her family, but it wasn't my place to analyze that on a first date so I let it go. I also discovered she was just a data entry employee, not an accountant or anything grand like that (don't get me wrong, data entry is a totally fair job to hold, especially if you're a student looking to make ends meet). She was barely getting by on her meager salary, and was in fact quite broke (to say the least).

Our conversation was pretty silly and stupid, and I was quite unimpressed by her. I guess she sensed it, because she tried to display value in various ways but even those attempts were laughable and failed to impress me. Still, I kept appearances and spent an hour with her, talking about the stupidest subjects one can imagine. We end the date, go to the car, and sit in the car for a bit. This is one of those moments where you have an attractive lady next to you, you know she likes you (she said I look good, when we first met, better than in my photos). But you also know what goes on in that brain of hers (hint: not much), and you tell yourself it would be a bad idea. Still, the conversation flows towards music, we talk about some crappy bands, and then she throws some sexual insinuations, which I elegantly deflected (play it dumb, always works!). I drive her to her car and we say our goodbyes.

Second Date

This time we met in a restaurant. It was not a fancy restaurant, partly because I didn't know anything better in the area, and partly because I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out between us, but just because I decided to give it one last chance before I throw in the towel, didn't mean I had to spend a lot of money on my date, hence the simpler restaurant.

Why did we have a second date? She texted me and wanted to meet again. She felt that I may have gotten a bad impression of her on the first date, and wanted a second chance. I'm a good guy, and I couldn't just reject her over the phone.

So we order food from the menu, and I notice she orders some pretty unhealthy food from the menu. I decided to ignore that, and ordered my food. She says she will quickly go to the bathroom to wash her hands. I stay there and wait, thinking that so far there were no incidents...

The long wait

Some 10 minutes pass, the starters arrive. I don't touch them, thinking she will be back any minute now. Another 10 minutes pass, the waiter brings the main courses. I kid you not, when I say that another 10 minutes pass! The food is cold, I'm worried that maybe she fainted in the bathroom, or maybe she bailed, but no, her bag was still there. What should I do? I had my laptop bag there, and her bag, plus I really needed to pee by now.

I decide I can no longer wait to pee, and got up to go to the bathrooms. I discover the restaurant has a bar section behind a wall, and that's where the bathrooms are. Except my date wasn't in the bathroom at all. She was sitting there, watching a football game on the screen.

This is where we go back to the "retarded" thing I mentioned earlier. I tell her that the food arrived a long time ago and is already cold. I tell her that I waited 30 minutes for her, and in the end, had to get up to pee. I ask her if she thinks it is normal to let me wait there like an idiot for 30 minutes. Her response? It wasn't 30 minutes, she was barely there 3 ~ 5 minutes!

I don't respond. I just go to the bathroom, pee, wash my hands and go back to the table. She's sitting there, eating (she didn't even have the courtesy to wait for me). I eat whatever food was salvageable on the table, without really having an appetite. It's quiet, too quiet. She realizes I'm upset, and instead of owning up to it, she explains that she was curious about the game and just wanted to see how the game was going.

I don't respond to it, and despite her thick skull, she realizes there is no future for us. I pay the bill and we leave together. I drive her to her area in the parking lot, and say goodbye politely. To me relief she leaves without much fanfare. But does it end here? Of course not.

She's out of gas!

I get a phone call about 2 minutes later. It's her. What's up, I ask? She's out of money for gas, is low on fuel, and she fears she might not make it home. I'm like, seriously? But I'm a nice guy, I can't let a lady become stranded on some highway somewhere... a guy has to be able to live with himself and his actions/decisions.

I ask her if she can make it to the nearest gas station, which was not far from the restaurant where we met. She says she's already there, just doesn't have money. I offer to come and help her fill up her tank... I drive there, look at her fuel situation, ask her how far she lives, and decide that a $20 should cover it. With her car refueled, and with a simple thank you, she leaves, and I truly hope it is the last I hear of her. But does it end here? NO.

She's out of internet connection!

A week goes by, she starts texting me. I ignore her at first. After a while I decide to ask her not to message me. She says she needs help. I'm like, OK, how do I get into the picture? She explains that she's kinda broke right now, and isn't going to get paid for another two weeks, but her internet will be disconnected in 2 days if she doesn't pay her bill today. I'm like, Ok, but I'm not even in the area, how can I help with that? She says, why don't I get her my card details and she will pay the bill with my card. I'm like, seriously?! Wait for it... here's the kicker: She says, why not? What are you worried about? My ex boyfriend gave me his card details!

At this point I told her I don't want to help, and I am not interested in talking to her and please leave me alone. I hang up, and she keeps texting me. This is where my phone's ignore feature came in handy, and thankfully, I have not heard back from her since.

The Exploding Penis episode

Warning: This story is not for the faint of heart. If you get dizzy when you read graphic descriptions of blood gushing out of a person's body, I suggest you do not read this story.

And it is with mixed feelings, and with the disclaimer above, that I begin this strange story. And just so you have some background info: It is a strange time in my life, a time when I dated the weirdest women from OKCupid, POF, etc. (More on that in separate stories to come).

I was dating a Chinese lady, who was very much into me. It was somewhat exciting to date an Asian, as I have always heard interesting stories about Asian women, and she was different in every way (compared to the women I dated in the past). For the purpose of this story, we shall call her "Lee".

Lee was indeed a sweet woman. She was smart, educated, wife material and all that. But alas it was not meant to be - I did not feel the dynamics between us were going well. To make things worse, I was not even falling in love with her, and it was clear to me that over time the relationship would deteriorate and hit a rocky bottom, to the point of ending with a terrible explosion of negative emotions and screaming with tears in her eyes. But we did have some fun while it lasted, so consider this story an obituary of sorts to that dead relationship.

First contact (sex)

We're riding a cab on the streets of New York. My friend from London is visiting on business and I decide to take him to a bar so he can maybe meet some local lady. He takes the front seat next to the cabbie, while me and Lee sit at the back. For an Asian woman, she has pretty nice tits, and full, lush lips. We kiss and I immediately get a raging erection. I decide to make Lee aware of this fact, so I guide her hand to grab my penis, and I notice how small her hand is. Suddenly she looks like she's seen a ghost; she whispers into my ear "My god you are so big!" with a tone of horror in her voice. I should have known back then that this was a bad sign for things to come, but I was naive and took it as a compliment. For the record, I definitely do not consider myself "big".

The Bar was a bit Meh, and despite being joined by more friends at the bar, it wasn't very happening on account of it being a Sunday evening. We end up going to my friend's hotel room, and instead of me and Lee going back home (which was 1 hour away), we decide to stay with my friend in Manhattan. We take the living room, and while he sleeps peacefully in the bedroom we start making out on the sofa. Lee is shy so we turn off the lights and get naked. The thought of getting naked while my friend was in the bedroom was exciting for her and she was extremely wet and ready for business. I slip on a rubber and hold her in a doggy position and play with her a bit before entering, and that's when I discover what can only be described as the world's smallest vagina. Despite her being very wet and slippery, it felt extremely tight! She was trying very hard not to scream in pain, and I was trying to be as gentle as possible given the circumstances (trying not to wake my friend!). She orgasms in less than a minute, and I decide to finish outside so as not to disfigure her tiny vagina as I climax. Time spent in her vagina: 20 seconds. Kinda disappointing, but I cum inside the condom and we call it a night.

Second contact

This happens a few days after my friend from London leaves New York. With a bit more time on our hands, me and Lee decide to meet again. This time at my brother's place. He was out of the country, and this meant we have the place to ourselves where we can be naughty.

I try to take it slow but she is too excited and is naked within 5 minutes on the bed, and gets dripping wet before I even touch her. She tells me how she never orgasmed from intercourse before. I think it's weird, but I do not comment about it. The lights are off of course (she is still shy), and she practically begs me to fuck her there and then, just like in the hotel a few days earlier.

I slip on a rubber again, and go even gentler this time. She is still very, very tight, almost to the point where it's painful for me to enter her vagina, and that's with me being only half way in. But she likes it very much. I ask her to relax her vagina a bit, she does and it becomes only slightly larger and still very very tight. She starts to move back and forth on my penis. I take it as a sign that she likes it, so I start really going for it - the more I fuck her the wilder she moans and groans with screams of pleasure. A couple of minutes into it and I am starting to finally enjoy it. Except she is so high in her pleasure cloud that she orgasms with wild convulsions, but since it was pitch dark I didn't see her move and I kept drilling, except because of her sudden movements, and because of how her tiny vagina was holding my penis so tightly, my penis twisted in unnatural ways! There's a short sharp burst of pain and she stops moving immediately.

Suddenly I feel this warm feeling in the condom. It feels like I'm peeing inside her. I pull out immediately and ask her to turn on the lights. To my horror, it is not urine. It's extremely dark, thick blood and it keeps coming out, filling the condom.

My initial instinct is to hold the condom on my penis so the blood doesn't gush out onto the bed. It doesn't work, blood gushes out from the sides of the condom, onto me and onto the bed, in large quantities. I run to the bathroom, leaving a trail of thick blood behind me. I need to open the bedroom door, so I let go of the condom with my right hand, holding it only with the left hand, and even more blood comes gushing out. The bedroom door handle, and the door itself (which was white before) became dark red. It looked surreal, worse than a slaughter house. I continue to leave a large, slippery trail of blood all the way to the bathroom. I remove the condom, throw it into the sink, and stand above the toilet. I am peeing blood into the toilet! Blood!

I thought maybe I am bleeding from my bladder? What could this possibly be?! And where is all this blood coming from? Is my body emptying all its blood through my penis?! Am I going to die? I am going to die! I'm a dead man. That's it. Goodbye world.

Lee called an ambulance, and they arrived within 3 minutes. In the mean time, I finished peeing all the blood I had, until it became a slow drip, and I went back to the bedroom and put on my heavily soiled PJ pants. Feeling faint, I decided I will at least die comfortably on the bed, lying down. Lee tells me I look extremely white (gee I wonder why), and that the nurses are coming up in a minute. As I wait for the nurses to come upstairs, I say my last goodbyes to this cruel world, and prepare to faint into my death. But it doesn't happen...

Two male nurses come upstairs, ask me if I can walk, I say that I think I can, and they start to accompany me to the ambulance, holding me from each side like I was some Private Ryan. They ask me questions, and I am hoping that this is something they have seen before, or at least heard about. But that is not the case. They have never even heard about anything like this happening, and were horrified and worried. They check me out and tell me I lost a LOT of blood (no, really?) and put an IV in me to replenish my fluids. All this is happening while the driver takes us to the nearest hospital.

The Emergency Room

We get to the hospital in literally 2 minutes, and I am carted and left to wait for a doctor at the ER. Lee came with me, and even though her tiny vagina was the reason for all this trouble, I was thankful that she had good values enough to accompany me to hospital to make sure I am well taken care of.

Half an hour passes until a doctor comes and starts asking me questions. The ER is full of people moaning in pain, and as I was not in pain myself I did not feel entitled to urgent care, so I didn't mind waiting and I wasn't being pushy. I finally see a doctor and answer some questions. The resident doctor tells me he never saw or heard of anything like this happening, but clearly, he says, I need a Urologist and one will be with me soon.

Half an hour later, a female urologist comes along and I am hoping for a better diagnosis of the situation. She touches my penis here and there, ouch ouch, asks questions, and finally admits she doesn't know what the hell is going on. She decides to x-ray me to try and see what's going on inside my penis.

A painful x-ray later...

Another half hour passes while I wait my line for the x-ray machine. Finally I get taken there, and the Urologist shows up with the radio technician. She explains that she is going to have to fill my penis with iodine in order to see the urethra clearly in the x-ray, and that by the way, it might sting. The radio technician is this big man, but he cringes with this face that says "dude, I would NOT want to be in your place right now". But I'm like, sure Doctor, whatever needs to be done Doctor, go for it, I'm ready. She sticks the tip of a syringe into my penis and pumps iodine into my penis like it was a party balloon. It hurts SO bad in my penis and all over my entire body, that I writhe and convulse in uncontrollable spasms of pain, and while I decide I'm not going to scream like a baby, I still release an uncontrollable animalistic grunt that tells the doctor I'm in extreme pain. She sees my pain and she shouts in horror "I'm sorry, i'm sorry! but I'm not done! and I have to do this or we won't see anything! I'm really sorry!". But I'm a strong guy, and she is allowed to finish injecting the iodine. Several x-rays were taken, and I was finally hauled out of there, and taken back to the ER where I waited for the results.

A painful MRI later...

Another hour passes. I'm running scenarios in my head. I will probably remain impotent for the rest of my life. A nurse came and replaced the depleted bag of fluid with a fresh one. With all this fluid going into my body, I will have to pee. Just the thought of having to pee was painful. And with the thought, came the urge. I told Lee that I need to pee, and she accompanied me to the bathroom. I stand there, expecting the worst. The pain won't let me pee at first, but I decide that if I managed not to get a heart attack from the iodine insertion, I can probably withstand peeing. I relax my bladder and the first few drops of urine are accompanied with blood, or iodine, or both. But after the first few drops, it's good old clear white urine. Good, I guess the bleeding has stopped!

I go back to bed, and just as I lay on my back, the female urologist comes, accompanied by another male urologist. Both seem baffled, and disappointed with the x-ray results, which apparently were inconclusive (in other words, they couldn't see shit in the x-ray). They decide the next step is to have an MRI of my penis taken. I ask them, what could the outcome be? The male urologist looks at me gravely and says that depending on the results of the MRI, I may require surgery, but that it's too early to tell for sure.

I play scenarios again in my head. Surgery?! I'm royally fucked... While I run horror scenarios in my head, some 10 minutes pass and I am hauled to another floor, to the MRI machine. This time it's another radiologist, and there are no doctors involved. Just as I start to thank my gods that there's not going to be any iodine insertion, the radiologist tells me he is going to have to insert radio isotopes into my penis to improve visibility of my urethra in the MRI. Fuck!!! But sure, go ahead. He inserts a syringe again, this time the liquid is a clear fluid. And thankfully, this time it does not hurt as much. I lay on the MRI machine tray, waiting for it to swallow me. It buzzes and whirrs loudly as I'm mechanically inserted like a cd-rom into a DVD player. Finally it's over, and I am hauled back to the ER where I wait my results.

Good news, and Bad news

This time it takes them an hour and a half to come back to me. The male urologist who replaced the female urologist (I was there for so long they switched shifts).

He tells me: I have good news, and I have bad news. Which one do you want to hear about first. I tell him to give me the bad news first. He tells me the bad news is that I will have to have a catheter in me for a couple of weeks. The good news is that I probably don't need surgery, and that I will probably recover and have a healthy penis.

At this point, I feel like screaming Hallelujah! I felt like I have been re-given my penis. And it was good to have one again after having mentally lost my penis to impotence or surgery. A simple catheter was not going to dampen my mood! I smiled jovially as the doctor painfully inserted the catheter into my penis, poking the inside of my blader with the end of the tube.

Without further a do, I get released home, with a referral to see another Urologist in 2 weeks to evaluate my situation and remove the catheter. We leave the hospital, it's almost 11am of the next day. I'm in my white, and very bloody PJ pants, and a white and also very bloody shirt. I look like a walking murder scene. We get a taxi and go home, and I fall asleep, tired from the adventure of a lifetime.

"After Party" cleanup

Coming back home to the bloody mess was a re-awakening of the horror of the night before. Suddenly I understood what it was like to clean blood from a murder scene. Suddenly I could identify with the Sporanos, bending over rugs, slowly cleaning the blood of their victims, soaking it in sponges, and realeasing bloody water into the bucket. It was a MESS.

It took me hours to clean the blood, but thankfully the bed was well covered with a thick duvet and another thinner duvet, both of which I stuck into the neighborhood laundromat, along with my bloody PJ's. They all came out spanking clean and smelling of sweet lavender.

The bathroom was another story. There were dry blood splotches everywhere, somehow even behind the toilet bowl. It took me a good hour to clean just the bathroom from all the blood.

Final verdict: A healthy penis!

Lee went home that morning, to clean herself up and change into fresh clothing. But she promised to be back, so she can cook for me while I lay in bed, resting and recovering.

And she came back, like she promised, shortly after I finished cleaning up everything. She cooked for me, and we rested together in bed. I guess she decided to check if I became impotent by caressing my poor member. So help me Spaghetti Monster, there was something very sexy about her small hands and eagerness to touch my penis, that I got erect. Getting erect with a catheter in your dick is a weird experience. It was a bit painful at first, because the tube gets a bit dry at the tip of the penis. As the penis becomes more and more erect, it looks like a weird monster swallowing a red candy tube.

The larger it became, the wider the smile on Lee's face. This small, horny Chinese woman wanted more. And the fact I had a catheter in me did not seem to deter her! She started riding me, going all crazy with my penis. At some point, I couldn't help it anymore and I flipped her on the bed, and took her missionary style. The catheter tube folded back as I slowly inserted the tip of my penis inside her.

It was a crazy thing to do, but I was just so happy that I can still get erect, I didn't care about anything anymore.

The Itchy Testicles Episode

So during the last week or so, my testicles have been itching something aweful. I didn't know what was going on, or what caused it. At one point I scratched them so bad, the skin became red and inflamed. I have later traced it to a soap I bought which contains 1% Salicylic Acid, and is intended to be used on the face primarily.

Facial skin is extremely resilient and can take a lot of punishment. For example you can splash very hot water on your face, that you can barely hold in your hands. This is definitely not the case with the skin around your testicles, as many of you probably found out over the years.

So far, there were two mistakes I knew never to repeat with my testicles:

1. Nude sunbathing without sunscreen on the testicles (A high SPF sunscreen!)
2. Shaving your testicles with a razor, the wrong way (may cause tiny blood clots under the skin!)

I shall add this new one to my list of things NEVER to do with my testicles:

"NEVER WASH TESTICLES WITH SALICYLIC ACID SOAP!"

Anyway, I was at a complete loss. At first I tried the good old "Let the body fix it on its own" tactic, I was being very strong and didn't scratch then even a bit, but the itch only became worse. Then I tried baby oil, sesame oil, facial lotions, multiple showers, dove nutritious soap, honey oat soap, none of it made a difference. In fact, my testicular skin was more irritated than ever, it became kinda rough and very tough to the touch, all shrunken and shriveled. It was really quite horrible.

Yesterday came the epiphany - I was extremely aroused by my hot wife and we had hot steamy sex. I came all over her back, roaring like a lion, and suddenly I thought, hey, I remember reading about women using sperm on their faces to make their facial skin look young again, get rid of blackheads, etc. Maybe it will work on my own testicles?

So I grab a fair amount of my own sperm, rub it all over my testicles on the affected areas, expecting it to burn. It didn't burn at all, in fact it felt kinda nice. A few minutes later we showered, and an hour later went to bed. I woke up this morning and witnessed a miracle. My testicles were soft again, relaxed, and looking very happy. My wife touched them and confirmed I've been cured!

I feel very lucky, more educated about my own body, and smarter from the experience. It is my hope this will help a fellow man with itchy testicles!

The Strange, Orange Oil from the Anus episode!

This is a story about my Anus. It happened to me while me and my wife were vacationing in Hawaii. It is a funny, scary story, with a good ending. However like any good story, it only gets better when you complicate it with some weird chemical elements, frantic internet searches for misdiagnosed medical conditions, and lots of sitting on the toilet.

The faithful evening

Maui, Hawaii. It was a nice day full of beautiful views, clear blue ocean waters, excellent weather, and a generally awesome atmosphere. We're hungry. Very hungry in fact, and we decide to find a place to eat as soon as possible.

We don't want something fancy or complex, so we drive to this area we read about that's supposed to have restaurants and be more lively than usual, perhaps with interesting pubs and bars. We arrive at the complex, and spot a bar that offers drinks and $1 tacos. Sounds good, so we decide to give it a try, and park our car behind the bar right next to an adult store. As we walk out of the car and eye the adult store, we feel a bit naughty and decide to check it out after we're done at the bar.

So we get to the bar, there's a pretty good atmosphere going. It has a pool table, horrible MTV music playing, and waitresses that look like they were brought through a time vortex straight from the 80's. But hey, they do have $1 tacos! So we sit down at their balcony, overlooking the beautiful beach, and order some beer and of course also a hefty amount of their Fish tacos (the waitress warmly recommended them). They indeed turn out to be extremely tasty, and we pretty much devour them like it's the first real food we've had in a week.

It felt like the place was going to become more lively, with party people steadily trickling through the entrance and filling the place. Normally I'd stick around, but we didn't feel up to it; it was a long day after all, and all we wanted was to rest our bodies on a soft bed. We pay, and leave the bar towards the car, but seeing the adult store we remembered our initial sultry intentions and decided to hop in for a visit. Unfortunately, it didn't have too much to offer for the temporary visitor, and we didn't want to buy something we would be embarrassed to show if our friendly TSA agents suddenly wanted to inspect our suitcases at the airport gate.

So we decide to go for something simple: A bunch of small lube packs (kinda like ketchup packs at McDonalds), and an intriguing small bag of pills that modify the taste of sperm to make it tasty (called Yummy Cummy!). We check the contents of the pills, and find that it's all made of natural ingredients such as cinnamon, and other plant based spices and minerals. Sounds pretty harmless, and the promise of my lady suddenly licking my sperm as if it was chocolate pudding, sealed the deal for me :-)

Satisfied with the beer, tacos, and the adult stuff we bought, and with the generally awesome day overall, we drive home, take a shower together, and relax a bit in our beautiful guest house. I then swallow a Yummy Cummy pill, and both feeling kinda horny we have wild rabbit sex, before falling into a sweet, well deserved sleep.

Suddenly, 3AM - Nature calls!

I wake up around 3AM with this weird feeling like I'm about to shit my pants. I initially think it's probably just some gas so I try to fart it away. I lift the blanket slightly to allow it to escape, and slowly relax my sphincter. But to my horror, instead of the usual warm silent fart, I feel a warm liquid escaping my anus! I get out of the bed in panic, and run to the bathroom, expecting the worse explosive diarrhea imaginable. A few microseconds after I manage to sit my bottom down on the toilet seat, the warm liquid starts gushing out of my ass, dropping almost like piss into the toilet bowl. Much to my surprise, it was all 100% liquid. But much to my surprise, it actually smelled kinda nice! What happened to the horrible stench of diarrhea that I'm used to, I ask myself?

Things get even weirder when I wipe and get up: I notice the fluid is this clear, orange colored oily substance, floating on the surface of the water, almost like olive oil floating in a pot of boiling water. The fact that it smelled good made me realize it must have been those pills. Maybe my stomach had a violent reaction to the powder within those capsules, and it made me poop this oil? But something didn't make sense - where were the solids? I ate quite a few tacos after all - where did they go?

I decided to look it up online. Big mistake. Google brought me some pretty scary results at first, with one of them indicating that I had a shot liver - since my liver was shit, it explained, no bile was produced, and I would probably die within an hour or two. I started to panic, so I woke up my wife who is a doctor. I told her the symptoms, and what I found on the internet, but she told me it's probably nothing, and there's probably nothing wrong with my liver. At that point I'm scared, tired, and decide to clean up and get some sleep. I take a quick shower and hop back into our bed, falling into a troubled sleep.

Some more oil in the morning

I wake up in the morning, take my wife to her medical conference, and get back to the house as soon as possible. The moment I get to the house, I feel an urge to poop again. I run to the bathroom, and produce a few more drops of that weird orange oil. It still smells pretty good, and I'm completely baffled. I continue to research online, but as I was rested, I managed to come up with a better search strategy, and I immediately hit the jackpot. I found a blog post from a guy who had a similar experience. Not only does the guy answer my questions, but he wrote about it in a very funny way. In his case, it was his non-doctor wife who told him his liver was shot and he would die in an hour.

Suddenly, I feel kinda lucky to have taken the Yummy Cummy pills, because ladies & gentlemen, there IS something worse than shitting orange oil out of your ass: shitting very smelly orange oil out of your ass. As luck would have it, the pills seem to have modified the smell of my shit as well, and it came out smelling like ancient perfume.

Some more searches brought up this piece on the same subject (with a more detailed explanation about the fish and why it causes you to poop oil), sealing the deal for me and making me feel infinitely more relaxed about the whole thing. Suddenly I felt much better, physically and mentally. And what do I do when I feel great? I do the laundry! I take my soiled underwear and stick it in the wash, feeling like I've been given a second chance to life.

Conclusion

So I had a bit more oil come out of me, but every time I went , it became less and less until 3 days later it was gone entirely. I learned my lesson: not to eat Escolar, or "Hawaiian Walu" fish (AKA King Tuna, or Butterfish, beware!), unless it's a tiny bite size. I also learned that the bile my body produces is not able to process Wax.

Fortunately, the symptoms did not stop me from enjoying Hawaii, and we had an awesome vacation full of fun adventures.